They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
You Might Also Like
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.