Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
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Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
crochet youtube is brutal
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th