Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
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[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”