new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
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Sombrero is better than nobrero.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume