If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
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Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?