I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
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Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.