“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
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If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?