Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
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God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
hey, alexa
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.