Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
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I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong