*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
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“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”