George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
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I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.