My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
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notice
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions