I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
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Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
how to have fun when you’re poor
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”