I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
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When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
How did we not see this back then?
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
i was baptized in a car wash
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.