911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
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My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Thrilling chase underway
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.