Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
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Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
they really do be looking like this