Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
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Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Me My dog
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Smile they said.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
All set.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.