I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
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If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Name this drama.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees