New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
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Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
WHY?!
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun