[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
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my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”