Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
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Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
me linking you to my twitter
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.