NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
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I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year