Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
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Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.