You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
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Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits