cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
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TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”