ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
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The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up