Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
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if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself