In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
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Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now