*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
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Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
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smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.