Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
You Might Also Like
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Me, in DM rooms…
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces