I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
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[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed