Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
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When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
titanic
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
tis the season
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.