A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
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good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?