Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
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“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date