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Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
what day is it?
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes