Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
You Might Also Like
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?