the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
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Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
What personal space?
My dog
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.