Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
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10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Maths meets science
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
OH. COME. ON.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!