It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
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I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.