[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
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Is your wife single?
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND