Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
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Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Tastes like chicken.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”