he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
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I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
File under excellent bookstore names.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera