Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
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My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.