Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
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At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Ken is short for chicken
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
This fish is cracking me up
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.