She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
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[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
the last thing a carrot sees
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
what it’s like dating me:
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.