“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
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My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”