I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
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Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?