Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
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[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free