What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
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love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Breaking news:
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.