Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
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Batman v Dracula
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Just me and my debit card against the world
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
DOOO EEEET
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Finished stitching this today 😇
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.